Thanksgiving...

Well, it's now actually Thanksgiving...12:05 a.m. to be exact as I start this blog post. I've spent the whole last eve doing a little of the stuff you do before Thanksgiving day. I made a pie...cherry pie to be exact. My youngest son's favorite, and his specific request. His feeling is that a store-bought pie is nowhere near good enough...it's gotta be Mom's special pie. Only problem is, my oven in this depressing townhome that I call "home" i live in right now has the shittiest (is that a word?) oven I've ever baked in!!!! Soooo, my pie looks like the worst thing i've ever baked. And my son will probably say, "Mom...what happened to your pie???" Hopefully, it will taste like something other than what Mrs. Smith would have sold in the grocery store. I lovingly compiled my pie crust ingredients, rolled each piece out...top & bottom ...and then hoped for the best, knowing that my oven came apparently from the oven hell store. Oh well, it's the thought that counts, right??? I'll hope my baby will understand.

So, while making this pie, which didn't really get started until very late in the evening. Hey, it was Wednesday night! Lost & Invasion were also on the list, okay??!! I guess I paid attention to my primetime TV shows, "babysat" my son's puppy dog who was with me during the evening (my son is home from college for the holiday, and his 6 month old Australian Shepherd puppy was spending the evening with me too since my son was out playing poker with his buds), policed his dog as well as my baby...my 6 year old miniature dachsund, who was royally pissed that another dog was invading her territory and upsetting her applecart in a MAJOR way!. Anyway, the pie got made, I ended up watching Sex in the City and somehow internalized some of it and got somewhat depressed in my single, alone with no one else to keep me company state of being...and now here I am. Talking to this damn blog as if it's a friend of some sort and is listening to me bitch about god knows what else my expectations might be.

How the bloody hell did I get to this place??? Oh yeah, I divorced my husband of 22 years about 6 years ago, started all over, got married again...that fell apart when he (aka, Asshole) showed himself to be other than what I thought he was...and then I started all over again. Am I feeling sorry for myself? HELL YES!!! I think I deserve to do so. Not that I need to drag anyone else into it. Hence, blogging here...which doesn't necessarily drag anyone into it unless you...who are reading this now...choose to do so. But damn it, I guess I just need a venue in which I can bitch for a while.

But soon, I will close this out, head to bed...set my alarm so that I can get up and start my turkey cooking, having tossed together all the ingredients for my stuffing...which only I will eat, since I choose to put oysters in it. And then set the table for two grown sons who could care less if they eat at a table with place settings set out, napkins folded, all the "right" stuff on the table, like civilized people do...or are supposed to do, like my mother taught me. And I will miss my middle son, who has chosen to reject me because I supposedly rejected him when I told him I wouldn't allow him to live with me and continue to do all the socially unacceptable things he was doing on a day to day basis...yes, I will miss him more than i can even describe. More than my breaking heart could ever tell in a year-long tale of heartbreak and despair. And I will pretend with my other two sons, ages 26 & 20, that we are happy and that this is good, and that Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for the things we have and the blessings that God has chosen to shower on us. I will try to block out the searing pain of missing my middle child, and tell myself that in time it will all be okay...even tho I don't really believe that to be so. It will never be the same. It will never be that fucking Norman Rockwell painting, that scene we all thought we'd achieve someday when we married, had children, and thought that life would be complete with the picket fence...and all the fixins.

Well, my son is home and I need to finish this off. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Mary