okay, okay...i'll post something

Damn, i've fought posting here for a little while...mostly because my heart and my mind have been pulled, tugged, mangled about for that period of time. Yes, things of the heart & mind...perhaps better described as the soul...have been occurring recently. I've felt the need to pour out my soul here time & time again over the last couple of weeks, but just didn't have the energy. Have you ever had the need to do something like that, but you just couldn't force yourself to do it??!! It's an internal struggle really. Sort of like, "okay, i really want to talk about this, but no...no...i don't think i'm ready yet." And then, "well, maybe i'm ready, but i want to make sure my words are right...no, that my thoughts are right." Hell, when are your thoughts ever really right?? When does clarity of thought and inspiration actually come together as one? Once in a blue moon...hence, tonight I post, but whether thought and inspiration have really come together...well, who cares.

So, I'm sitting here, listening to a sad-sap Keith Urban song called "Tonight I Want to Cry." Geez, isn't that the saddest-sap song you ever heard. And yes, it's self-inflicted. We do these things to ourselves. Want to hear the lyrics i'm listening to and self-pitying about?? Here you go:

"Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry."

Yep, major sad-sap stuff. But I'm kind of in that state of mind. Okay, so you say, why are you so blue???? Well, i broke up with my boyfriend last Friday night, and i'm in a major funk. No, i'm not turning back, it was definitely the right decision. But i'm sad because I really hurt him. There were a lot of things that were wrong, things that I couldn't tolerate, things that he did that I knew I would never be able to be happy with. But it still hurts because breaking up with someone is never easy. I'm torn trying to decide whether i actually miss HIM or whether i miss the companionship, the relationship itself. Whatever. Crap, i hate this hashing it out over and over and over in my mind. It's mentally exhausting, and i seem to be getting nowhere.

So, here i sit. It's 11:30 on a Monday night, and i should be in bed, sleeping, getting ready for a busy Tuesday work day. And instead, i'm sitting here posting to my blog, and...is it really that...pouring out my soul?? I guess so. Maybe i'm just feeling alone, wishing i had that someone who was about to lie down beside me, put his arm around me while i sleep. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe...hell, i don't know.

Okay, now that I've been totally depressing, and brought everyone down, i'll apologize!! Sorry for being such a drag!!!!!! But I guess this online "diary" of sorts serves a purpose. What might that be? Confession? Perhaps. Maybe it's just a purging exercise. And maybe I'm just full of shit. You be the judge.

Guess i'll drag my sorry ass off to bed now. Next post will be more cheerful. I'll make sure of it. Thanks for hanging in there with me. The struggle to keep breathin' goes on. But keep at it. The sun always comes up in the morning.

Luv ya--
Daffodil