coming home...

Coming home should give you comfort, solace, contentment. That is what home is all about, is it not? A couple of nights ago, I arrived home after being gone for six days on vacation, and felt none of that. What a disturbing occurrence. “Home” should wrap itself around you, like a protective blanket, like a good friend. It did not. Oh sure, there were all the familiar trappings. My own “stuff”…like everyone has. But there was something missing. A big something, but it was hard to define. A big something…hmm.

What is it that actually prods us on each day? What makes us get up every morning and say, “Okay, I’m ready for this one…perhaps different from the last, different from the next, but things should be good for me today.” I have no idea. There are those of us that have faith…faith in a higher power, faith in destiny, faith in what fate may deal us. So, is that why we get up every day to keep going? Is it just the matter of a job, money, sustenance to keep us going in this world we call our home? I don’t know. I wish I had a good answer…I really do. It would allow my rising and setting each day to make more sense, I guess.

I’ve never really analyzed my daily rising and setting…I guess I’ve just taken it for granted that it was all part of this life I’ve created. That certainly makes it easy, doesn’t it?? You know, I had no intention of making this blog post a downer, or bent with a negative tone. But I guess I have, huh?? Sorry, to any of you who have chosen to read it. Maybe I’ll be lucky, and no one will read it and then my thoughts will just drift away. But that’s sad, though, isn’t it? I guess if you just use this as a journal, who is there to care anyway? I like response, though. I like to hear others’ thoughts. I like some feedback, in whatever form. Call me needy. I don’t think of myself that way, but maybe I am…in some form. Maybe we all are.

I had a phone call from a friend last night…someone who has been a friend for many years. She needed an ear, a shoulder, someone to listen. So I listened. I commented where appropriate. I told her what I thought she should do when she asked me to truly tell her what I thought. Who the hell am I to tell someone how to live their life?? Damn, I can’t even figure out how to live my own life most of the time!! I got off the phone call, and wandered around my house and wondered…what are you doing anyway??? Where are you headed these days? I couldn’t come up with an answer. Not even for myself. Which is a pretty damn intimate relationship…you/yourself, don’t you think? I just don’t know.

There are so many things in my past, things I regret, things I embrace, things I can’t even categorize…even after so much time has passed since them. So much haunts me. How do you get past those hauntings?? This is going to sound severe, but bear with me. Did you ever see the movie, “The Birds”? You know, that Alfred Hitchcock movie. Geez, talk about haunting you! But I think about the birds, their pecking at people. Wow, I’m getting too weird here. But honestly, do you ever feel like your past is just pecking at you? Little by little—it doesn’t chip away huge pieces. But it keeps pecking away little pieces, bit by bit. So that you never get past a certain point. So that it’s never actually in reach…whatever you’re really pushing forward to get to. Damn, what IS IT that I’m trying to get to?? That’s the million dollar question, huh? Let me know if you come up with an answer.

I didn’t mean to launch into a self-analyzing exposé. Funny how the mind works, huh? Yes, I guess I ended up rather dark and searching. Oh well…such is the tendency we take at times. My mind is such a jumble of thoughts, I don’t think I can clarify them through this medium. But sometimes it helps to just lay it all out, you know? Writing here is sort of like talking to yourself. Maybe myself will come up with some answers soon! LOL One can hope.

No matter what…we all need to keep on breathin’…so let’s do so. Smile, y’all.