how long, you say??

Oh my god, how long has it actually been since I posted my last blog? Okay, fine! It was March 16, 2007. And it was 10 days after my dad passed away. Funny how after that, after I posted about daddy dying, I haven't been back since. Why? I have no clue. Guess I got lazy. Maybe I didn't have anything to say. That can't be right...because if you talk to anyone who knows me, I'm not usually at a loss for words. Perhaps I just decided I didn't want to share anything with anyone. Pretty stingy of myself, huh?

To be honest, I retreated into myself after my dad died. My emotions were so jumbled and conflicted, I didn't know how to put them into words and even begin to try to share them with the blogging world out there. I went back and re-read a number of old blog posts, and they put me into tears. What a sap I am. But really, the last few years have been such a cluster-fuck of emotion. Highs, lows, mid-points, contentment, disappointment, confusion...what a mess. A week ago, you could have asked me how I was, and I would have said, WOW, GREAT!! But events of the past few days have sort of upset the apple cart, and I'm rather tipped to one side...hanging precariously off the proverbial cliff and trying to "right myself". I'll be fine. I have great friends and family around me to help. But damn, it really sucks when you've caused this "cliff" to happen all by yourself. No one else to blame!! Couldn't someone, anyone, step up and take this mantle from me????

The events of the last few days have caused a heavy, wet blanket of a weight to be placed upon my shoulders. I'm really struggling under the weight of it all. Doesn't do any good to whine and bitch about it to those around you. Everyone else has their own laundry list of crap they're dealing with in their own lives. So, buck up Mary!! Shoulder this shit and carry the load, you pussy. It's not like it's the end of the world. Put it all in perspective, and I have nothing to bitch about, right? Right. Everything will be fine.

Outside of all that crap, I've had some amazingly great things happen. Really, really, unbelievably wonderful stuff. No, I'm not going into great detail. Relationships are private. Surmise what you will. But I'm telling you, things can turn out better than you ever expected. Step over the threshold...great things await you!!!

Time to close...I'll try to visit here more often. And until then, keep on breathin' everyone...no matter how hard it may be at times...

Love ya--
Daffodil

goodnight, daddy

My father passed away the night of March 6, 2007...his suffering is over. God called him home, and he's with my mom now. Prayers are often answered, as was mine the night he died. Goodnight, daddy. I love you.

life is fair??????

Who said life was fair? Was that some poet from days/years past? So, what is fair anyway? Fair...hmmmm. Geez, anyone in the world could give you their definition of fair. And it could differ so wildly, it would never have the same meaning. Fair to your lifestyle today? Fair in your basic subculture you live in right now? Fair in the society you choose to place yourself in? Wow, fair takes on so many meanings. How can you really define fair for yourself?

Fair has come to mean something different to me this week than it has to me before. My dad entered the hospital on Monday, very debiliated by weight loss, dehydration, etc., and what might have seemed fair to him was probably much different than what was fair to me...at least as far as HE was concerned. Actually, his existence is so basic right now compared to mine. Hell, his existence has to do with fluids in his IV line, now (as of today) nutrition going into his stomach/feeding tube (which was inserted today). I can't even imagine dealing with this myself. A feeding tube sticking out of my stomach? Not being able to take in any food or fluids orally at all...ever? Omg, just shoot me! I love food...i love being able to drink certain things. NEVER being able to enjoy that again...well, that's a HUGE part of life that i don't know i could give up. Okay, so would i end my life for all of that? I don't know. If I had to be moved out of my home, into a nursing home where everything i knew, everything i was familiar with was changed and my life was so dramatically altered...okay, give me the gun. Yeah, i know. That's pretty exteme. But would I really want my life to be like that? No! And I don't believe my dad does either. What does that all mean?

I'm so lost in all of this. It was EASY when my mom died. She just slipped away one night when we weren't even looking. But my dad...well, this is very different. How will this happen? What is God's ultimate decision???

Stay tuned...

Crying & stunned these days--

daffodil

heavy sigh..........

I swear, what AM I going to do with myself??!! Yeah, that was sort of a strange way to start this post. Let me explain...i just broke up with my boyfriend last week. Yes, I said "I"...not he broke up with me, but it was me doing the ugly thing. And I'm going to say all that stuff one normally says, like "I know it was the right thing to do." And, "I know it really would never work out between us." But geez, I really miss him. I don't miss all the stuff that I decided were just too big of deal breakers to stay with him. There are things that I think he could have changed over time, but then there are others that are just who he is, no changing. And no one should have to change or feel like they should try just to make another person happy! There are things about me that he doesn't like, things that I wouldn't change about myself. I did that once, in a very serious relationship, and I swore I'd never do that again. If I don't feel like I can be myself with someone, then I'm in the wrong relationship. But I really miss him. And we're chatting on messenger like we did before, and have decided to just be friends...which I really hope we can do. But it sort of leaves the wound open. I need to figure out how to close the wound, without losing the friend. I want to do that, and I think he does too. Hell, I even offered to help him re-write his profile on an online dating service website! How's that for trying to move on???

Moving on...what a process. Moving on to what? Another dating experience that could end in frustration and breaking up? Someone who might be a better "match" for me? Are my standards too high? Is my list too long? Is there any guy out there that can be more for me than just a short term relationship? This is where the heavy sigh comes in..... I just don't know.

There's a part of me that really revels in my alone time, my independent time at home when I can just curl up on the couch with my furry little four-legged girl, Kasey, wear ugly, comfortable clothes and not worry what I look like, and watch anything on TV that I want whenever I want. I know it's going to get lonely again here pretty soon. And with the cold weather now here and winter just around the corner, that dark lonely world may become all too depressing again. And another year of holidays alone. That really, really sucks. Last year sucked a lot. Wonder how this year will feel.

Maybe I need to get out more. Plan more stuff with friends during the week. Push myself to get together with people on the weekends, even though at times it just seems easier to stay home alone. And who knows...if I do that, you never know what or who might be around the next corner.

I still miss him. Boo-hoo.

I'll try to be less negative next time...but i sorta needed to get this all off my chest. Happy Autumn, tho, everyone!! Enjoy the fall colors, the sunshine and the crisp, cold air...and as always, keep on breathin!!

Luv,
Daffodil

ooh, ouch, hmmmm....

It's been a while since I posted...so much has happened since then. Yes, I say...ooh, ouch, hmmmmmmmmm.... Why, you ask? Because so much has happened in my life. The last time I posted, a good friend's husband had just died. Geez, how you come to grips with that??? She has not responded to my emails, card or voice mail. So, I can only assume that she is trying to deal with her grief in her own way. I feel so helpless. I'm the kind of person who wants...needs...to feel like I can help others feel better, no matter what their problem. But this problem is too much. The death of a spouse. No matter what I can say, no matter how much "help" i can offer up...hell, it would never be enough. Who the hell do I think i am that I could EVER be enough to help this woman with this tragedy in her life? I shall silently wait to see if she seeks me out. How inadequate.

On another front, I broke up with my boyfriend. Damn, it really sucks. It wasn't because I didn't love him...because i do. It's because the differences between us are so great, that we would never see eye to eye about the important stuff. I thought long & hard about all of this. It won't work. I hate that it won't work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a good person, and I really care about him. Hell, I love him. But he's so different from me. And we both realize it. How do you find someone to fit your needs at this point in life? I'm 48 years old, and I know I have expectations. Are my expectations too extreme? Am I expecting too much?? I really don't think so! I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I guess casual sex will have to do.

Okay, it's really late and i need to go to sleep. Take care, those of you who care to read this. I'm so screwed up these days, don't believe a word i say!

Keep on breathin'--

Daffodil

incredible sadness...

A very good friend’s husband died last Tuesday, September 5th. I just found out about it yesterday, through an email she sent me. I knew it was coming…probably sooner, than later. The doctors found brain tumors in him just a few months ago, and the cancer spread throughout his body rapidly. The progression of it all was unbelievably swift…hell, swift to me—how much more so did it feel to his wife, my friend, Linda???

There was a “Guest Book” in the obituary section of the newspaper website for him, and I posted a message to Linda, telling her how very sorry I was, and saying something about the fact that God was ready to bring Larry home. My friend is a woman of deep, convicted faith. She lives her life as she knows Jesus would want her to. But do these statements from friends, church members she’s close to, friends who share her faith in God…these statements that all basically say, “he’s in a better place now”…does she just want to scream that she doesn’t care about all that?!? That all she wants is her husband back…healthy and whole again?? I don’t know, but I think I would. I believe in God; I believe in my Lord, Jesus Christ; I believe in heaven. Having said all that, I also believe that I would probably be screaming in these circumstances! How unfair this is! How could he be taken from my friend and his family & loved ones at the young age of 66? Why is it him that gets plucked off this earth, leaving behind people who are now agonizing and bereft of his presence? I didn’t know Larry well, just what I knew about him through Linda. I had met him a few times, and he seemed to be a man of great emotional and spiritual strength, a rock for his family, somebody I respected for what I knew about him. I can’t imagine the void it leaves in his family now that he’s gone.

My own internal struggle today is embarrassing to admit…even to myself. I haven’t emailed Linda back yet to say how sorry I am. I at least need to do that!! What I really need to do is pick up the phone and call her. But I’m scared. Yeah, what a coward I am. Did you ever have to do something as an adult that took you back to how you felt when you were a kid…when you had to do something that was going to be uncomfortable, when you didn’t know what to say, when you were afraid you were going to blow it?? That’s how I feel right now. Damn it, I need to call her TODAY! This isn’t something that I can let wait. I need to be the grownup, and do what is right and call Linda and tell her how sorry I am, to ask her what I can do (which, of course, she will say is nothing), and at least let her know that I’m thinking of her. That’s what friends do!!! I know that if it were me, I would expect…yeah, and probably want…her to do that for me. So, I will. What the hell am I going to say to her….

Life is precious and the people we love can disappear in an instant. Hug your family, don’t take them for granted, tell people you love them…especially your kids, every chance you get. And thank God every day that you’re alive.

Luv to all—
Daffodil

you met who??

Ever talk to someone who’s about to attend a high school reunion…perhaps they’re single/divorced/whatever, and the comment of “hey, maybe I’ll meet someone at the reunion!” is tossed around among friends…but no one really expects that to happen. Well, guess what?? It did to me!! I’d have told you that you were crazy if you really thought that might happen…but it did! This is a guy who I really didn’t know that well in high school. We knew of each other, but we weren’t in the same circle of friends. We just happened to strike up a conversation at the reunion, enjoyed each other’s company, and at the end of the night, he asked me if I might be interested in getting together. I think I really surprised him by saying yes! And when he said he’d call me, he really did! We went to dinner the next night, and have been dating ever since.

He’s WONDERFUL, and I have to admit that I am totally smitten! In a lot of ways, we’re very different from each other. But in a lot of other ways, we are so alike. Maybe the differences are the “opposites attract” part! I love spending time with him, and I think he feels the same way. I know, I know…take it easy, take it slow…don’t get ahead of yourself. But it just feels so right, I can’t help myself. And shoot, he’s even nice to my dog!! What more can you ask for?? LOL ;-)

It’s funny, because after the breakup of my last relationship, I was fine with being alone…being by myself. It all ended up being too much, too soon, and then not right and something I had to end. I told myself not to rush into anything, to take my time, to just breathe for a while and go with the flow. Well, surprisingly enough, the flow brought this new man into my life. And it’s pretty great! It’s only been about six weeks since we started seeing each other, but in some ways it seems like it’s been much longer. And it’s nice, comfortable, but with all the neat stuff that the newness of a relationship brings too. How did I get this lucky? Hmm, God works in mysterious ways!!

Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll try to post again soon…with any exciting new updates in this relationship! Stay tuned!! And keep on breathin’ my friends…life is good!

Daffodil