heavy sigh..........

I swear, what AM I going to do with myself??!! Yeah, that was sort of a strange way to start this post. Let me explain...i just broke up with my boyfriend last week. Yes, I said "I"...not he broke up with me, but it was me doing the ugly thing. And I'm going to say all that stuff one normally says, like "I know it was the right thing to do." And, "I know it really would never work out between us." But geez, I really miss him. I don't miss all the stuff that I decided were just too big of deal breakers to stay with him. There are things that I think he could have changed over time, but then there are others that are just who he is, no changing. And no one should have to change or feel like they should try just to make another person happy! There are things about me that he doesn't like, things that I wouldn't change about myself. I did that once, in a very serious relationship, and I swore I'd never do that again. If I don't feel like I can be myself with someone, then I'm in the wrong relationship. But I really miss him. And we're chatting on messenger like we did before, and have decided to just be friends...which I really hope we can do. But it sort of leaves the wound open. I need to figure out how to close the wound, without losing the friend. I want to do that, and I think he does too. Hell, I even offered to help him re-write his profile on an online dating service website! How's that for trying to move on???

Moving on...what a process. Moving on to what? Another dating experience that could end in frustration and breaking up? Someone who might be a better "match" for me? Are my standards too high? Is my list too long? Is there any guy out there that can be more for me than just a short term relationship? This is where the heavy sigh comes in..... I just don't know.

There's a part of me that really revels in my alone time, my independent time at home when I can just curl up on the couch with my furry little four-legged girl, Kasey, wear ugly, comfortable clothes and not worry what I look like, and watch anything on TV that I want whenever I want. I know it's going to get lonely again here pretty soon. And with the cold weather now here and winter just around the corner, that dark lonely world may become all too depressing again. And another year of holidays alone. That really, really sucks. Last year sucked a lot. Wonder how this year will feel.

Maybe I need to get out more. Plan more stuff with friends during the week. Push myself to get together with people on the weekends, even though at times it just seems easier to stay home alone. And who knows...if I do that, you never know what or who might be around the next corner.

I still miss him. Boo-hoo.

I'll try to be less negative next time...but i sorta needed to get this all off my chest. Happy Autumn, tho, everyone!! Enjoy the fall colors, the sunshine and the crisp, cold air...and as always, keep on breathin!!

Luv,
Daffodil

ooh, ouch, hmmmm....

It's been a while since I posted...so much has happened since then. Yes, I say...ooh, ouch, hmmmmmmmmm.... Why, you ask? Because so much has happened in my life. The last time I posted, a good friend's husband had just died. Geez, how you come to grips with that??? She has not responded to my emails, card or voice mail. So, I can only assume that she is trying to deal with her grief in her own way. I feel so helpless. I'm the kind of person who wants...needs...to feel like I can help others feel better, no matter what their problem. But this problem is too much. The death of a spouse. No matter what I can say, no matter how much "help" i can offer up...hell, it would never be enough. Who the hell do I think i am that I could EVER be enough to help this woman with this tragedy in her life? I shall silently wait to see if she seeks me out. How inadequate.

On another front, I broke up with my boyfriend. Damn, it really sucks. It wasn't because I didn't love him...because i do. It's because the differences between us are so great, that we would never see eye to eye about the important stuff. I thought long & hard about all of this. It won't work. I hate that it won't work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a good person, and I really care about him. Hell, I love him. But he's so different from me. And we both realize it. How do you find someone to fit your needs at this point in life? I'm 48 years old, and I know I have expectations. Are my expectations too extreme? Am I expecting too much?? I really don't think so! I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I guess casual sex will have to do.

Okay, it's really late and i need to go to sleep. Take care, those of you who care to read this. I'm so screwed up these days, don't believe a word i say!

Keep on breathin'--

Daffodil